What this world truly needs...

I've had this idea broiling around in my head for a while;

You know what the world needs?

Fuck online convenience stores that do to-door delivery.
Nevermind the online funeral home sites.

No. I've got it all figured out...

An online store. For emo kids wielding their parents' credit cards. Fuck yes.

Do you have any idea how much stuff I can peddle to these whiny brats?

Picture this:

First off, a classy name like www.darketernalabyssofdespair.com should be a hit. Might want to set up a redirect from something easier like www.uberemo.com or similar, too. After all, while its undoubtably very emo to lack the linguistic complexity of a poly-syllabilic domain name and fail even at that, dyslexic emos should have a chance at this, too.

Second, a design that instill hopelessness and despair. I'm thinking hospital palette here, folks; bleached bone, pastel green, and of course, an almost-black hue of red. (note, the green is just to cause mild nausea in the viewer...call it a minor payback for having to endure emos in the everyday).

Third, and this is where it gets good: What I'd sell.
Obviously, we must assume that any good emo wants music. And self-mutilation tools. Although I'd personally think that listening to bands like Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance and Evanescence would be punishment enough, these little sufferjunkies need more. I'll give them more. CDs with all of the above, all claimed to be "secret unreleased B-sides". Delivered on self-printed CDs. Every single CD needs to be shattered, though. For self-mutilation purposes. Nothing spells fanboi/grrl as cutting one self with the shards of a CD thought to contain your favourite band's never released tracks. Naturally, this would only be enough for the play-cutters. For the serious ones, you know the ones who don't constantly blog about how they're going to kill themselves horribly, the deluxe item;
Rusty glass shards from a broken mirror.
Fuck yeah. Does it get more emo? I think not!

Also, to the shopping cart needs to be webcams. Shitty USB webcams that never work properly, and only show two colors; Black and some off-chromatic greyscale smudge. Locked at a compression that'd make Dali vomit. And hard-coded to only do 315 x 237 resolution.
I'll sell it under the slogan "I'm so goth, even my WEBCAM is non-conform!"

Also, we need some form of eyeliner that'll instantly cause the victim to cry blood. I'm still pondering whether flour with microscopic glass splinters would work better than mixing black dye with suplhuric acid.

Finally, I'm thinking of selling Absinthe. And by Absinthe, I mean green-flavoured window cleaning liquid. It might not make you drunk, but it'll make you just as sick as if you tried drinking the real stuff to impress your poser friends. The name "Killing Joke" springs to mind. Also, because I know the buyers wouldn't get it, as it refers to a band I don't think concurrent emo stars have (dis)covered and cashed in on. It's either that, or "Final Solution". I like that name as well, though. Maybe Soylent Fairy.

All of this should be promoted under the collection name of "These wounds/they will not heal/my suffering/eternal" or similar, so they can proudly display the set logo and claim that they invented that line, and that it's the epitome of dark poetry. Fuck Lord Byron and Poe, make way for xPunkGothSk8Grrl89x!

Of course, the page needs to have one of those guestbooks full of signings from people who don't exist, who claim that my online store has increased their penis/bust size, made them a major hit with their peers, and caused their parents to ground them for a year. 110% rebel. I'm angling for the grounded part to be the authenticity part on the site, in case you're wondering.

Now, you might ask yourself, as one potential investor asked me;
"But, how do I know that my substantial investment (of no less than a few thousand dollars) will not merely be squandered on absinthe, shrooms and hookers?"
That's actually a pretty damn good question. You don't. Apart from that I've yet to spend money on hookers, and I don't do shrooms. But as was pointed out, "if you have the two first, I think the third comes automatically."

In short, invest now! Help make the world better, one bleeding wrist at a time.

Also, I intend to pack, alongside any order, a step-by-step guide to successful /wrist action. I reckon that if you can't even figure out how to kill yourself through means of whatever I'm selling, you need all the help you can get.

...Did I mention I'm not that fond of emo subculture?