And at all endings, a new beginning

So, once again, I've managed to disappear for a while - not entirely disappeared off the face of the planet, but I always was somewhat adept at avoiding contact, and I've needed time to get my head straight again. I still doubt it is, but now things are somewhat in the rear mirror.

You may remember that I, some time ago, poured out - in a mildly drunken stupor, admitted - my heart on the topic of my girlfriend. We had a long talk where we somewhat set words to our doubts as to the nautre of our feelings towards each other. No doubt there's a lot of good feelings, but they've changed.

Over this summer, where she was with her family in Jutland, and I was here, working, I spent a lot of time thinking. The result of it didn't scare me as much as I thought it would, nor did it hurt entirely like I had expected. That I loved her, but not as a significant other ought to be loved.

It's no more than a week ago now that I went to visit her, during one of her brief returns to Copenhagen. Before I set out for her place, I felt at peace with the decision I had made inside; to tell her how I felt, and ending things there.
The closer I got to her apartment, the more the past began to resound against my mind; the sunny days, remembering all the good things; pretty predicatble stuff I know, but just then, I felt that pang of rememberance. The heavy thud of all the good memories, wrapped into a tubesock and slammed to the back of my head.

At that moment, I felt sad, and small. I felt bad because it would be the last time I'd go up those stairs as her boyfriend. I couldn't help but to smile over how easy it is to decide and govern over emotions as long as it's all on paper and in the distance, while reality and proximity will show you how vulnerable you are, when you choose to lay yourself bare to another person.

I entered her apartment, and said hi to her. For some reason, a few things that really were inconsequential, suddenly seemed so important to me.
Bear with me, I know how silly it'll look to anyone else, but I need to get it on paper.

I helped to get her a computer some time ago, and I knew she still haden't gotten peroperly set up with security software - the reason for why it seemed important was that it's what killed her last computer. Something I'd always told her I'd drop by and get set up on her machine; I just never remembered to do it while I was there. And now, I realized, it might be the last time I was there at all...It seemed infinitely important, because I didn't want to leave her hanging on something I once promised her.
*sighs*

I know that it fails utterly as a romantic notion (Yay, installing antivirus, firewall and anti-spyware!), but damnit - I cared for her, and I didn't want her to be left without _something_.

We talked a bit, about nothing and everything, and eventually went out to get some ice cream and beers - the latter mostly for me.

And when we came back home, we continued talking, and as the light grew weaker, and the second beer bottle stood empty, I finally found the courage to tell her.
I told her about how I felt I had changed, recently (as the avid reader might notice, I haven't exactly been drowning in boredom lately), and eventually I made my way through my own maze of words and memories to the point.
My voice began faltering as I looked her in the eyes and I told her that my feelings for her had changed to a point where I didn't love her as my girlfriend any longer.
...And that's when my voice broke completely, and I wasn't able to see clearly anymore. Tears tend to do that.
The next two hours we talked - or rather, I think we both cried in equal parts while talking, but even through the tears, snot and broken voices, both of us smiled a little. It hurt, but not like I've come to expect endings to; My past experiences had made me believe that the end was accompanied by both excruciating pains inside, endless floods of tears, and depending on the case at hand, the snap of the psyche. Not so this time.

It was like looking through old pictures together, the reminiscing together over what we'd created together, the good times we'd had; and the quiet acceptance of that things simply were not as they had once been. I remember us holding hands while talking, briefly breaking the hold every now and then to reach out for the ever-thinning roll of toilet paper, but I remember being able to see through tear-addled eyes to see her, as pretty as ever, just stronger, now, than the girl I met and fell in love with back then. I am unsure if I'd actually loved her more in just that moment than I had for a long time before.

She told me of how she'd felt the same way, and had felt bad about not having had the courage to talk to me about it as well; it seems that fatal talk about the future, we had come pretty close, both of us, to saying it; and since then, we had both been mulling over it on our own. And now, we were ready.

We'd always been able to talk about things, even when we strongly disagreed, we never did have a fight over anything. I believe that once a verbal fight starts, is when you stop caring for the other part's feelings.

We kissed one last time, and it was over. Like an old, tired heart beating its last beat, and falling quiet. The way things should end; softly, lovingly, and at its natural end.

I remember, just after there was nothing more for either of us to say, I stood up, stretched, and breathed deeply; and while I felt vulnerable, raw and uncertain, that feeling of being ready for it didn't leave me.

We always were good at talking; and our feelings haven't as such diminished; I am certain I haven't met her, or talked to her for the last time. I'll do all I can to not lose her as a friend, and I know she feels the same way. This is the way things should end and go on, and I look forward to the future, for the chances to see and do good things, making a difference where I am, and living again. Maybe this time, I'll be less flawed, and spend less time living in regret.


There's a song I've been listening to a goodly deal over the last months; it used to scare me a little by its words, but now that the fear has gone, and only the good memories are left; it just tugs a little at the heartstrings and makes me think of the good days;

I'll leave you with this:

Iris: Delivered One

Well your last words were "see you later"
Now the violence of love is gone
In exchange for the hopeful ending
I am liking what you've become

You've really changed
Not for the bad
Just rearranged
So the good parts are all that you have

I'm telling you now
As I'm sure the sun shines
As blessed as sacred rites
You're the delivered one

In the darkness I know I've lost it
In the light I know I'm blind
Though I'm keeping a cleaner closet
There's a whole lot more inside

In our next life
One will be late
And when arrives
The other will be there to take

I'm telling you now
As sure as at first light
The song of the sparrow cries
You're the delivered one

Hold on
I'm losing my place
Hold on
It's getting so late
Hold on
There'll be no mistakes
Now that we're on our own